Jan. 3, 2013 11:46

Liner Notes

When you hear about two men in New Mexico plotting criminal activity, it’s usually related to high school science teachers deciding to sell drugs. But every once in a while, people break bad in a different, more ridiculous way. Case in point: Two such men tried to kill Justin Bieber.

Here’s the deal: not only did these men want to kill Bieber and his bodyguard, but they wanted to choke him with a paisley tie and castrate him. Sure, you say, I see people talking about castrating Justin Bieber on the Internet all the time. Well, folks, this plot was actually underway. It was set in motion (and ultimately stopped) by Dana Martin, a current inmate serving two life sentences for the rape and murder of a 15-year-old girl. Martin, like any sadistic superfan, also has a tattoo of the Canadian pop sensation on his leg. After the suspects were apprehended in their residence, police said they found “murder tools and pruning sheers” on the premises, a description that is both hilarious and cringe-worthy. Baby, baby, baby, oh no!

Moving from potential disasters to real ones, we have the Spice Girls musical Viva Forever! which is being almost universally dismissed by critics. The Internet is abuzz with vehemence, collecting jeers lobbed at the musical from all manner of media outlets. They find the music laughable, the production dated and unambitious and the songs uninspiring. The question remains: How is this any different from when the Spice Girls were first performing? The Daily Telegraph described the musical as a “miasma of disappointment” that stunk up the production, but who exactly was building up hopes high enough for this to be a disappointment?

“Gangnam Style” has claimed its first kill. PSY, the wonderful South Korean rapper whose dance craze has penetrated every possible market, has become a household name in the last few months with his viral video. Recently, however, a middle-aged British man died at a holiday party while attempting to bust a Gangnam move. Eamonn Kilbride, 46, started feeling chest pain during his horse-moves and fell over, causing a small panic. He could not be revived. His last words were “hey, sexy lady.” Onlookers said that it was almost as bad as the Macarena massacre of 1994.

The Daily Mail reported that Jonny Greenwood, guitarist of Radiohead, was staying in a self-sustaining house in Brazil to try to prepare for the coming Mayan apocalypse. Of course, the Daily Mail will report anything it feels like, even if it is ridiculous and without a credible source. The band’s management, no doubt angry that it even had to address the rumors, recently spoke with the press saying that not only was the information false, but that Greenwood was not even in Brazil. Greenwood has been enjoying even wider critical acclaim lately as a film composer for Paul Thomas Anderson’s last two movies. The rumors about Greenwood are even more bizarre given that it is widely know Thom Yorke stopped the end of the world with his “Lotus Flower” video dance and bowler hat. There was also a good harvest that season.

Returning to the bizarre and violent news stateside, two men in Norwalk, Ohio got into a tussle over some criminal charges. Their names: Hall and Oats. Well, that is to say that Roger Oats and his neighbor, Scott Hall, fought drunkenly with each other until Oats bit off Hall’s eyebrow. Talk about making my nightmares come true.

Lastly, I want to take a moment away from pointing out the ridiculous music stories this month to throw a spotlight on some really great news: Randy Newman was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Newman, who most people under 30 know either from the early Family Guy parody or from his work with Pixar films like Toy Story and Monsters, Inc., has written brilliant songs and satires for his entire career, playing controversial subjects and causing a few controversies himself. He is one of the best living songwriters and he deserves the honor. Good job, Randy.

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