Nov. 1, 2012 03:24

Liner Notes

There was a time when gangster rap scared America. You could even argue that in certain sections of the country, ones that are mostly white and mostly wealthy, still worry about what that music is “doing to their kids.” Now, though, with so many of the former heavyweights become more concerned with entrepreneurial endeavors and commercial opportunities, gangster rap seems to have settled into a pacified middle age. Jon Stewart even asked Snoop Dogg during a recent appearance on The Daily Show “remember when white people were afraid of you?”

Snoop laughed it off with the audience; and while rappers from that generation still struggle to assert their credibility (something much harder to do after one has become a comfortable millionaire), Snoop seems to be embracing the softer image. Recent evidence of this commercial shift is so bizarre and frankly funny that it sounds like it came from an extended Jim Gaffigan bit: Snoop has rewritten one of his classic songs for a Hot Pocket advertisement.

“Pocket Like It’s Hot” also has a full-length music video featuring DeStorm, Andy Milonakis and a man in a giant, dancing Hot Pocket costume (with sunglasses). It also contains images of taggers stenciling “Hot Pockets” on a wall with spray-paint. There is nothing more subversive than reworking a successful song in order to sell microwaveable “food.”

So when “your munchies get a attitude [sic],” Snoop Dogg (or, as he has more recently asked to be called, Snoop Lion) has given you adequate directions as to how to solve that problem.

It was recently reported by NME that Lady Gaga is on the market for some of Edith Piaf’s toenail clippings. The news might’ve shocked people more if it wasn’t coming from Gaga, who is not only a massive fan of the French singer, but also pretty, well, weird. The toenails are not the only Piaf memorabilia that Madame Meat-Dress is looking to buy, but they are the stand-out item.

Since there are not enough toenails to make a dress, we can assume that they will be handled in one of the following ways:

1. Gaga will crush them into a fine powder and snort it, therefore gaining the powers of the French chanteuse.

2. Gaga will make some smaller clothing item or accessory out of the toenails. This will most likely be some kind of dance-thong.

3. Gaga will go all Jurassic Park on us and create a theme park called MFM (Monsters for Monsters). It will have exhibits of cloned singers and celebrities remade from toenail DNA.

Bruce Springsteen has decided, after initial reluctance, to get back out on the campaign trail for Obama and spread the word that the incumbent president needs another four years to get the job done.

In a statement, Obama for America’s campaign manager Jim Messina said, “Bruce Springsteen’s values echo what the President and Vice President stand for: hard work, fairness, integrity.” The Boss has long been a champion of the underdog; and even though Obama seems to be way out in front, Bruce wants to show his support for the guy if for no other reason than that the American public craves a strange reimagining of “Born to Run.”

The Sierra Blanca checkpoint in Texas has been busy. In recent years, the officers and the keenly-nosed canines at Sierra Blanca have busted Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson and recently Fiona Apple for having illegal substances on their tour buses. The latest bust involved rapper Nelly, who reportedly had .64 ounces of heroin, a .45-caliber pistol and 10 pounds—yes, pounds—of marijuana on his bus. Of course none of this belonged to Nelly, oh no! Brian Keith Jones nobly stepped forward and admitted that all of that stuff, including the 10 pounds of marijuana, was his and that he alone would face the consequences for what Nelly and the rest of the entourage could not have known about in a space as large and as expansive as a bus.

In other, more shocking news, Nelly still tours and people listen to his music.

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